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- And then again, it's just life -
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Sunday, July 25, 2004
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*sigh*
This has been a pivital weekend for me. So much bliss, yet the small things can be bittersweet. Everyone's been out of town, and having this quiet house to myself has been the pleasure and the pain - when it comes to thinking about the things, the emotional issues I've been dealing with lately. Who would have thought that with all the exciting news, happenings, and soon-to-be-happenings, it would bring up some really weird feelings of the hard times.
Adulthood is such the journey. Learning unwillingly, at best, about what you're really made of. Let's just say that I discovered aspects about myself that are not quite right. I had a long talk with my mother, walking by the man-made Natomas Lake near our home, and just laid it on the line. All my frustrations, my hurts, etc. I've found that my mother is one of my best friends, someone that knows me and what I've been through. She tirelessly listens as I rattle off about this road I'm on, this road to becoming the 'fantasy April' that I see in my head. You know, the level-headed girl that makes all the right decisions, thinks before she speaks, makes everyone proud.
My mother and I got into a deep discussion (I guess the walking-enduced endorphins are a big part of that) about something happening in my life now, and it was fairly simple. All the sudden, she felt the need to bring up some events in my past that really broke me down. Not using it as a weapon again me, but merely showing me where my heart was lacking and why.
I don't talk much about it, never see the need to, but hell - this is my blog.
I had a friend that I met in second grade. We hit it off, and were stuck like glue for 7 years. Her mother became like a second mom to me, and I spent a lot of my young years going back and forth to her house about every weekend. To me, she represented not only someone that knew me, but someone that would never leave. About 2 weeks before my 16th birthday, she and her mother came to my house with a big surprise. My obsession of the minute back then was The Beatles, and I had just about every piece of memorabillia, records, CD's, you name it. She informed me that she would be taking me to Lincoln, CA. for my birthday - to see a group called Rain; they have imitated the Beatles look and sound since the early 70's. I was stoked. We spent that weekend having the time of our lives, watching the concert until late into the night, and making plans for her birthday in October. On monday, I came home, told my friend how amazing that weekend was and how I could never thank her enough, waved goodbye, and never saw her again.
One month after the concert, my mother was acting odd after watching the news one night. She was really worrying me, and I pushed her to tell me what was wrong. I guess what she had seen on the news was in the papers as well, but I had happened to be oblivious. That weekend, my friend's mother was murdered. Deeply in debt to the wrong people, she was killed, put in the trunk of a car, and left on a long highway. I didn't believe my mother at first, I couldn't. I just remember I kept saying "are you sure it's her, are you sure..."
Shortly after, we received a call from the family of my friend, and they made sure we knew as much as they could tell us. My friend went to live with her father in the Bay area, and I've never seen her since. Sometimes I feel guilt, that I wasn't there for her during the most tramatic time of one's existance, but it was as though time stopped. I was numb for years after, but have come to realize that the pain still effects me today. In my decisions, my choice of friends, my choices in relationships, everything. That day, something in my head went off, and made me believe that everything good in my life is only a facade and soon I'd be left hurting. It's amazing how one event can change your life in ways that you don't even realize.
I loved my friend's mother, but in a way, it was 2 deaths. I lost someone important to me, and I'll probably never get over not fighting to stay connected.
I'm working on myself, and the way I deal with hurt now. It's been a painful climb to this point, but I know the day I stop loving is the day I stop living. I'd give anything to be able to talk to my friend again, maybe someday God in my mercy will bring her in my path - but I cherish friendships more than I ever have. It's a whole new way of looking at the people you care about the most, and knowing how fast they can be taken from you.
So, my therapy session for the weekend is complete, and despite it all I feel incredibly light today.
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Name: April
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